


Stumping

by womanaction



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Alternate Universe - S6 Never Happened, F/M, Gen, Politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:19:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8348884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/womanaction/pseuds/womanaction
Summary: Blair, of course, makes it her duty to recruit voters for Hillary. Dan, of course, puts up with it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I really tried not to write this, but I couldn't stop thinking about my Strong Opinions about the characters' political positions. Considering Blair referred to HRC as her role model in canon, this fic just begged to be written. 
> 
> AU where Blair and Chuck divorced with no kids, Dan and Serena never married, and Dan is obviously not GG.

_Bzzz. Bzzz._

He didn’t even have to look at his phone to know who was on the other end. He’d thought about assigning her some ironic ringtone – “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” perhaps? – but nobody else called him anyway except his agent and weird telemarketers from Colorado. Seriously, it’s 2016. Let it die.

Not only did he know who was calling, he knew exactly what she was going to say. These long-distance phone calls had been going on as long as the election season. In other words, forever. Even the regular gossip and intrigue that they inevitably became embroiled in had been overshadowed by this larger-than-life caricature of Manhattan drama. He had fantasized more than once about sticking two of those outrageously expensive gold-trimmed fountain pens (a gift from Lily for the release of his second novel, or as she helpfully phrased it, “your first real novel not ripped from _Gossip Girl_ headlines”) into his eyes if he had to read another overwrought thinkpiece on any aspect of the election. It was like everyone had suddenly developed extreme myopia and couldn’t see past the end of 2016 or beyond the borders of the United States — unless they were putting a wall on them. There was a not-insignificant chance of him completely abandoning society and learning how to fend for himself in the wild where there would be absolutely no politics. He’d mentioned the thought to her once before and she’d only laughed and said, “Finally, you’ve thought of a place where that amount of facial hair would be appropriate. Honestly, Humphrey, have all the salons in the city burnt down while I’ve been gone? You look like you’ve stapled a wet dog to your face.”

All of that to say that the last thing he wanted was to hear more about the election from the self-appointed “overseas chair of voter recruitment” for Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign.

He picked up anyway.

“Hello, Blair,” he said dryly, but she was already talking over him.

“Humphrey, don’t pretend that you were doing something of actual merit that prevented you from picking up my call until the fifth ring. For all of your elderly grumbling about technology, I know that you keep your phone right by that hideous typewriter. If the circumstances were any less dire, I would have hung up on you for being so rude, but I suppose I’ll have to overlook it. Now, turn on your TV! _Dépêche-toi!_ ”

“Waldorf – “

“Oh my God, you’re not still maintaining that pretention of pennilessness, are you? You have at least three Armani suits in your closet and you made the _Times’_ best-seller list, I think you can afford a TV.”

He sighed. “We’ve been over this, I don’t want to watch the debate, and I can’t believe you’re calling me at – “ he checked his watch, “ – 3 a.m. your time. Go to bed.”

“Sleep is for the unsuccessful,” she said dismissively. “Besides, I am performing my civic duty. I cannot allow you to exempt this election! And if the only way of convincing you to vote is to force you to listen to the chattering of that cheating Cheeto, then that is what I’m prepared to do. It’s for the good of the country, Humphrey. Now, is your TV on?”

He turned it on and immediately muted it. The debate hadn’t even started yet, and already the on-screen commentators were dissecting every aspect of the candidates’ families, including but not limited to secret messages hidden in their clothing. No wonder Blair was so invested in politics, he thought with some amusement. She lived for this type of over-analysis.

“Have you done this to all of our friends, or am I just your lucky victim?” he asked.

He recognized the little huff she gave at that. It was usually accompanied by a well-placed eyeroll and – “Humphrey, get over yourself. As a cultural tastemaker I have communicated the importance of this election in numerous ways. My editorials, as well as my personal social media. Of course, I would never deign to use Twitter, but political images can be quite powerful-“

“Right, but have you been – how did you put it – aggressively recruiting everyone else you know in the States?”

“Well,” she said, “you know how Nate feels about politics. Still, I couldn’t have him voting for that listless Libertarian. Do you know why he told me he was voting for him?”

“I’m going to take a wild stab at…he wants to legalize pot.”

“Exactly. Of course, the extent of Nate’s foreign policy knowledge stems from sleeping his way across Europe, or ‘backpacking’ as he insists on calling it. We had a lengthy conversation recently, though, and I successfully helped him see the error of his ways.”

Dan suspected that Nate had simply agreed with Blair to get her to stop pestering him. Also, he’d honestly be surprised if Nate remembered to go to the polls at all. After everything that he’d been through with his family, political involvement was not exactly high on his list of priorities.

“And Serena?”

“Serena’s Serena,” she said, voice betraying that familiar mix of affection and tension. “She’s seeing some songwriting hippie, so of course she’s worried about fracking and clean energy. She said she wasn’t voting because it’s not her place to make decisions for the Earth. Then she wanted to talk about her new tattoo. Anyway, I told Lily and she’s going to help me get Serena to the polls, although I am a little worried that she’ll vote for that mad scientist. Seriously, if I needed an example of a woman I don’t want to be president…”

“And…everyone else?”

“Oh, well, Eric brushed me off, but I think he’s with her. I mean, he doesn’t want his marriage to be overturned. I tried to call your sister but she hung up on me, so I sent her a strongly worded and highly persuasive letter. I haven’t heard back yet. Are you still in touch with that backstabbing hipster?”

“Vanessa?”

“If you insist.”

“No, we’re just friends on Facebook, but she’s a Canadian citizen now. But I was actually – “

“Shh, Humphrey, it’s starting!”

He watched as the candidates took the stage, waving to the hordes of less-than-adoring voters. “Do you think this will really change anyone’s minds? I mean, honestly, most of America hates one if not both of them.”

“It’s a historic moment, Humphrey.”

He didn’t say anything. It was weirdly nice, Blair’s overwhelming optimism in the face of cynicism from the media and nearly everyone he knew in New York. Maybe it was because she was out of the country, but he suspected that it was just because of who she was. His mind wandered as the candidates repeated everything he’d already heard them say about immigration and tax reform, back to the primaries when Blair had already been excited. She’d called him several times to argue passionately about “your candidate, whom I honestly think you’re voting for because he’s the only person you could find with crazier hair than you.” Most of their discussion had thankfully moved beyond _ad hominem_ attacks and into sincere discussions of policy. Blair paid little attention to the many controversies and scandals surrounding the Clinton campaign, partly because she argued there was a lack of evidence and partly because (in Dan’s opinion), it wouldn’t sway her vote in the slightest. If Hillary turned out to be half as manipulative as conspiracy theorists would have it, he was pretty sure that Blair would pledge her eternal devotion to her. The whole primary season had been actually pretty enjoyable, and although he proudly cast his primary vote for Sanders, he felt a little better about the loss remembering Blair’s impassioned remarks.

Not much, but a little.

They watched in relative silence until Trump’s remarks about women resurfaced, and Blair made a noise of disgust. “See, this is why we can’t let this man become elected. I would vote for…Nelly Yuki over him.”

“Isn’t she actually a lawyer now? Maybe you really will be casting a vote for her in a few years.”

“If Nelly Yuki ever becomes my candidate, I will personally ensure that she gets LASIK and a makeover.”

He’s relatively certain that she isn’t joking.

“Besides, you know we live in a blue state, right? Our votes really won’t matter that much,” he said.

“Shut up, Humphrey, before someone else hears you say that! It’s that kind of thinking that leads to low voter turnout. I can’t help it if New Yorkers have naturally superior judgment – generally speaking. I’m not going to let anyone I consider a friend give their vote to that mango-colored monstrosity.”

“What about your ex-husband?”

He began to regret asking when Blair didn’t immediately reply. But she hadn’t talked to him about Chuck since the divorce two years ago, and unless she’d had some kind of _Eternal Sunshine_ operation, it wasn’t because she wasn’t thinking about him. He muted the TV.

“I don’t suppose you’re referring to Louis, as obviously he is not an American citizen.”

“No,” he said, now committed to this path, “I’m talking about the other Manhattan billionaire who owns a lot of hotels. And, you know, has no respect for women.”

Okay, maybe that last comment had not been strictly necessary, but he hadn’t had an outlet for his hatred of Chuck Bass in a long time.

She sighed. “I haven’t heard from him. Nate said that he’s working on releasing all of Trump’s tax information and other documents related to failed business ventures. Apparently, the rampant lying and misogyny is acceptable, but the bankruptcies are where he draws the line.”

“That does not surprise me at all.”

She makes a noise that could be a laugh or a small sob. “Yes, I suppose it doesn’t surprise me either. After everything...”

“Are you…okay?”

“I’ll be fine, once we win this thing,” Blair said, still in a small voice. “I just…I really need this. I really need to know that you’re here with me. Please?” Her voice cracks on that last word.

_Dammit._

He sighed. “Blair…come on, you can’t honestly believe that I would let you call me every week if I wasn’t going to vote. I made up my mind months ago, I’m going to vote for Clinton. Congratulations.”

“So why did you let me keep believing your Bernie bitterness?” she asked, sounding irritated but not as angry as he’d feared.

“I…was a little worried you’d stop calling me,” he confessed. “I mean, I hadn’t heard from you since…the divorce, and then all of a sudden I post one political article on Facebook and you’re calling me all the time. I missed you, Waldorf.”

“I missed you too,” she said, and he has a sudden suspicion that she’s happier than she’s letting on. “Well, I suppose I wasted a dramatic performance on you.”

“Dramatic performance?”

She scoffed. “Humphrey, do you honestly think a powerful woman such as myself would be weepy over getting rid of that Basstard two years later? I’ve completely moved on. Really, I tried not to emotionally manipulate you, but my logical appeals just didn’t seem to be working! Anyway, I’ll be coming back to the city on the 7th, so you can’t take it back. I’ll have my driver pick you up on the 8th and we can go to the polls together. It’s so much more exciting on the day of, even if I loathe the crowd.”

“Blair!”

“And then,” she said, in a pacifying tone, “we can go get dinner, catch up. I’m a busy woman, Humphrey, and you’ve spent enough of my time, so don’t expect to hear from me until then. Try not to miss me too much.”

“On the 8th,” he repeated slowly.

“It’s a date,” she said quickly, and hung up.

All things considered, he was rather proud of himself. He unmuted the TV and watched the last few minutes of the debate.


End file.
